seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
