I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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