4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
