Screwed.edu
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
