my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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