I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
