the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
