i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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