Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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