Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
