I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
