where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
