Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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