it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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