Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
