worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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