I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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