That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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