I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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