wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
