Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
