it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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