I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
