just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
