life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
