I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
