one might say we're banned from that church
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
