just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
