YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
