When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
