woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
high people should be assigned attendants
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
