your parents love me but you hate me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
