She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
