I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
