We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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