I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
