I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
