Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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