Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
