OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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