Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
