I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
