my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
