fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
