I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
