I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
