All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
