i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
