I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
