I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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