life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what day is it and did you see me today?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
